Friday, March 13, 2009

You know your pregnant when...

Posted on one of the pregnancy forums I frequent:

1. You cry cause....well, you don't know Dammit!

2. You turn to your husband and say Baby wants you to get her a Crunchy Cheesy Gordita from Taco Bell.

3. The definition for "bi-polar" disorder is suddenly describing you.

4. Your gas goes from 'mildly offensive' to 'toxic fumes of sulphuric death' in large enough quantities to peel wallpaper.

5. Your emotions switch from happy to snappy in .03 seconds.

6. Your seductive walk becomes a waddle.

7. Everyone makes you choose the restaurant because they have heard "ew...no" to their suggestions a few too many times.

8. You cough you pee - you sneeze you pee - you laugh you pee - you blink you pee.

9. People in the stores are trying to 'squeeze' past you. Um, we can't suck in and squeeze.....it's a baby...I'm pregnant!

10. You see your husband naked and cry out of jealousy at how thin he is

11. You are protective of the food you are eating, like a dog that was starving all day guarding his bowl... "Can I have a bite Mommy?" "Um, you have your own food don't you?" "Can I have some Mommy?" "Hello Mommy needs to eat too!!" "WHO ATE the Last YOGURT?!?!?"

12. Having sex is as appealing as sticking your butt in a deep fat fryer.

13. Water gives you heartburn.

14. You run out of breath climbing 4 stairs.

15. You can suddenly smell EVERY scent in your house - AND some of your neighbors.

16. Your response to the typical daily question of "How are you feeling today, honey?" is, "DONE!"

17. When you buy a new treadmill to stay in shape and spend your evenings sitting next to it, watching TV and eating cake!

18. It takes three distinct movements to turn over in bed from one side to the other.

19. When your little brother says you "tend toward the fat" when you are 8 months pregnant and you obsess about it for weeks.

20. When most physical activity and small motions you attempt are preceded by a mumbled, "You've gotta be kidding me!"

21. When it takes you over a half and hour to get dressed because you try on everything you own but it all makes you look and feel fat. Then you put on the same outfit you wore yesterday...and the day before...and the day before that.

22. Your new best friend is the toilet in more than one way!!

23. Your stomach turns at the thought of eating, and you burst into tears at the thought of missing a meal

24. When you start crying because "nobody gives a damn about you" because they haven't called you in 2 days to see how you're doing.

25. You feel a sense of entitlement on the highway... "That's right, hussy.....you BETTER let me over into your lane. Don't you know I'm PREGNANT?"

26. Your husband is angry that the thermostat says 55 degrees and you are so comfortable.

27. Brushing your teeth makes you puke.

28. When you stash snacks under your pillow, so when you wake up famished in the middle of the night, you don't even have to get out of bed.

29. You love your husband one second and want to punch him in the face the next.

30. When you drop a spoon in the kitchen, stare at it for a bit, and then walk away knowing that it would have taken too much effort and energy to bend over and pick it up.

31. You pick your seat based on the proximity to the bathroom.
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